A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."

A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"

The father said, "Two people? Let me look."

So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

A guy playing trombone in the opera had a fantastic gig on the day he had to play in the opera. He tried to find a replacement but without success. Finally he went to his housekeeper and convinced him to do the replacement. "I give you my other trombone. You just look what is the guy next to you doing and it would be OK".

Next morning he asked the housekeeper how it was.

"Catastrophe. Your colleague sent also his housekeeper to replace him".

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."

"But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"

"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."