Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.

The Programmers' Cheer

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.
If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.
But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

What is an example of a never halting program?
Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying "you go first".

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.

The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"